Two decades

Twenty years ago today my firstborn arrived into this world.  I knew I would name her Dorothee after my mom if she was a girl.  And she was.  As I looked through her photo album today, I was reminded of all the blessings I had been given.   Looking on myself the day she was born, I don't remember being so young.  But I was.

I tried to recall that day today, twenty years later, and was unexpected by the overwhelming emotion that flowed out of me.  Twenty years.  I mean what usually happens in twenty years.  If you are blessed, you are married for twenty years.  But I do not remember feeling this emotional on my 20th wedding anniversary.  Maybe it was because Mark was right there with me celebrating and I could not look on my daughter and celebrate with her.  Maybe it was because her celebrating twenty years and my celebrating twenty years looks so different.  I am only beginning to understand why my mother smiles so much when she sees me again.  It is that dear, dear child that is once again sharing her life.  

The pain hit me hard.  Those first contractions.  Never a feeling I have ever felt, or would ever forget.  After a couple of hours, I realized those pains were not going away until the she arrived.  I was forever grateful to labor room nurses.  At all my deliveries, with tears streaming out of my eyes, I thanked those nurses.  They all knew what to do, always knew how to calm me.  And Mark.  Enduring the yells, the puking, the crazed pleadings.  Always reassuring.  Telling me I had no choice but to do this.  There was no turning back.  

Lord, this post is not turning out how I had anticipated, but I am no writer.  I am beginning to see that.  I have lots of thoughts, but they never get organized.  I thank You, for the gift you gave me twenty years ago.  Thanks for the memories I have, of raising her, spending time with her, being loved by her, watching her grow and  change.  Thanks for what You have done, and allowing me to take part in what You continue to do.  I do not know what tomorrow brings.  But You do.  You are already there.  Help me to trust You to do everything You have said You would do.  Help me to be faithful to my husband and all my children.  Guide me Great Redeemer.  I am weak, but You are mighty.  Hold me with your powerful hand.  Bread of Heaven, feed me now and evermore!  Amen.

For all the Saints

I usually do not go on FB first thing in the morning.  This morning, however, I got an email that said Dorothee had posted to my wall.  I had been missing her a lot lately, so I was relishing in contact with her and did check what she had posted.  Then I was reading some other posts and I came across Pastor Hulke's Thought for the Day.  Here is what he wrote.

Thought for the Day: "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life" (1 Jn. 5:13). Welcome to All Saints Day! We all know people who are living with Jesus in heaven. Through their faith in Jesus they have received exactly what He promised - eternal life in heaven. On this day we remember those who are safe with the Lord and find great comfort in His promise of eternal life. But it's important for us to remember that this is our promise too through faith in Jesus. The promise of heaven is not something we wonder about and won't know until we die. It's a sure promise we live in every day of our lives through faith in Jesus Christ. Take time to remember those who are with Jesus, and celebrate that this promise is yours . One day, some day, we'll all be together again.

I was reminded of one of my all time favorite hymns, "For All the Saints" and back in my childhood days, this was sung every Sunday we celebrated All Saints Day.  And you can bet my father made sure we sang all the verses.  This morning, I found a recording of For All the Saints on You Tube.  Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGo6_D-RTXA  I got out the LSB and sang all eight verses of it, remembering all those whom I have loved that are now in heaven rejoicing with Jesus.  I always cry when I sing that hymn!  I cry because I miss those saints I knew, but I also cry with joy because I know, someday, I am going to be in heaven too!  I also was remembering my old church in Chappaqua and all the dear saints that attended there.  I actually found a picture of the church on FB,  Here it is:


16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Amen!  Come, Lord Jesus!!!

Basketball again

This Saturday morning, the boys had their first basketball game of the season.  When I got up early Saturday to make sure the sweatpants got put in the dryer, this is what I saw in the boys' bedroom.  :)  Does this organizational craved mom a world of good to see one child for one moment understanding it all.  They were so excited, and I was too.  Every Saturday now, until nearly Christmas, I will get to see my two sons run up and down the gym.  Thanks to their coach.  Thanks to all the coaches out there, who sacrifice their time for no monetary reward to shape and teach these young men.  May God bless you all.

An epiphany

Ok, so this is my idea.  I find a picture and I write about it.

These are two of my kids.  The youngest and the second oldest.  This picture was taken about five years ago.  So they would be 4 and 12 respectively. The piece of paper they are holding between them is a homemade diploma that the older one gave the the younger one.  The gown is her special blanket she hugged when she was a baby.  She is giving him a diploma for graduating her "Magic School."  I had no knowledge of said school until the diploma was presented.  

This picture reminds me of how the Holy Spirit has worked in our family to knit each member together.

Our children have not had a lot of friends outside the family.  We really did not plan it that way, but that is the way it has worked out.  They are good friends with each other.  What a blessing.  Such a gift that two siblings, eight years apart, can share this friendship.  It says a lot for the older one.  That she would care enough to be a part of her little brother's life.  Yeah, she is very special.  And I thank God for her everyday.  

More to come.

  

No way, two posts in one day?

So I really should be in bed, but I am just so pumped about getting a chance to put a picture on my blog.  Coupled with the fact that I got the printer to hook up to this donated laptop.  I am feeling like a techno genius.  I will be tired tomorrow.

I love these kids.  Ok, well I am biased, but they really are great.  For as long as I can remember, when I take a group shot, there always has to be a goofy one.  Maybe it is the way they can get through the serious ones.  

This chair is located at a small shop off the road that goes through Schroon Lake in the Adirondack Park in upstate NY.  When my family arrived in the states in 1968, they spent a few summers doing various things, like I remember a story of a disastrous camping trip.  But then, a parishioner loaned my family their summer house on Schroon Lake.  And the love affair began.  Schroon Lake has become almost a second home to me, and if there is one place I would love to live, it would be there.  As a child, we stayed at Camp of the Pines, which later became known as Son Rise.  I became a counselor there in 1988 and my husband Mark proposed to me there in 1989.  I wanted to get married there, but logistics prevented it.  I have visited there dozens of times and I can honestly say that my children would love to go there again if the opportunity arose, no questions asked.  

A picture

A treat, folks.  A picture.  Yes, This is a picture of a couple of my kids and one that I love so much she is like my kid.  This picture is taken at Niagara Falls, right by the Bridal Falls.  The water rushing behind the girls cascades over the American Falls.  We had the privilege to live about 20 minutes from this great National Landmark from July 2000 to July 2003.  We took many people here and I was never tired of going to see the Falls.  Every time I went, I discovered something new.  I always marveled at how very easy it was to jump into the Niagara River and thus go over the Falls.  There were times when I held onto my toddler Ruth's hand very tightly, just to be sure she never tried it.  This picture was taken in July of 2012, when that toddler was 13.  She is standing next to one of our dearest friends that we made while living in New York.  I am always amazed at the people the Lord puts into our lives wherever He takes us.  It makes me so very grateful to Him for His amazing gifts.  If you ever have an opportunity to go to Niagara Falls, do it.  You will not regret it.

Starting yet again

Well, here I am again.  Trying to start again.  No pictures.  Someday.  When that new computer comes.  I am so thankful that this old computer is still working.  I do have another laptop that I can use if this one gets cranky again, but I dislike the keyboard.  I have not figured out why the screen keeps shrinking and growing. But it was free, so I have no complaints.
I was tired today, more tired than I have been in a while.  Two Tylenol PMs taken last night probably did it. It was not good to homeschool today.
If anyone is reading this who homeschools, answer me this question.  What does it mean when people say they need to do more home and less school?  I think I am at that point right now.  But I do not know what doing more home looks like.  Or sounds like.  Or feels like.  This is my third year of consistent homeschooling, not counting the August 1999-August 2009 stint I had.  I guess I don't really count those years because I was just doing preschool to kindergarten.  But I guess I should count them.  Only one of my kids went to preschool for both years, that was my oldest, Dorothee.  Everyone else did not go.  And only Esther and the boys went to kindergarten.  I felt a nudge to homeschool since 1998, but only was able to do the younger ones.  I had an opportunity to homeschool all of them in 2009, but got cold feet and tried working full time instead.  I learned a lot about myself in those two years, mostly that I really enjoy being a homebody and doing home stuff.  So why is it that I struggle with doing home with my kids?  Sigh.  Then in 2011, I decided if I was ever going to live with myself when I was older, I really needed to jump in with both feet.  I posed the question, "Who wants to stay home next year and do school at home."  Four out of the six thought it was grand, the older two liked high school too much.  Go figure.  Last spring, I asked my husband, "What should we do about Ruth and high school?"  He said to try her there and see how it goes.  I miss her.  She is learning a lot, but she says there is a lot of stuff that she already knew.  So she did learn some things those two years at home with me.  Except to type fast.  I am putting that on the curriculum.
Well, I am done.  Hope I get to write again soon.
Thanks for reading.

Camp Matz 2013

Many of you (actually who are you?) may not know that I was gone from August 4th to August 10th.  Out of state.  Some of my kids were here in Hoffman.  Four of them to be exact.  One came with Mark and me.  One was already where we were going.  Ok, I am sounding cryptic.  Let's just get to the heart of it.
My oldest got an internship at Camp Matz this summer.  Not sure about Camp Matz?  Here is a link:  http://bethesdalutherancommunities.org/campmatzretreat.  And if you like them on FB, you can see pictures! The fact that she applied for this internship is one of the most moving works of the Holy Spirit that I have witnessed in my family is a while.  We had been coasting along, doing our best to instill a love for the Lord, but struggling with seeing fruit.  Then, BAM, the Holy Spirit reminds me it is not about us but HIM!!  You see, for as long as I can remember, Dorothee was afraid of people with developmental difficulties.  They really scared her.  She had a cousin with autism who was very unpredictable and whenever he was around, she stayed in whatever room she was sleeping in.  So when she told me she was applying for this internship, I knew I was about to witness a miracle.  I was so excited.  When she would call during the summer and talk about all she was going through, I praised Him for it all.  Then she asked us if we would come up and volunteer.  They had had a lean summer on volunteers.  Wait a minute.  Me?  Well, frankly, I was scared myself.  I did not want to admit it, but there it is.  But I said, if Dorothee can do it, well, so can I.  So we arranged places for the younger four to stay because they could not stay with us.  We asked our 16 year old to come, she said yes, and we headed up.  I have NEVER been away from my younger four for that long.  7 days and nights.  But, I have seen what the Lord has done, I have seen so many awesome things that the Lord has done, I KNEW He would care for them.  Besides, if I have learned anything this last year, these kids are not mine.  They are HIS.  So, I put them in His hands, and into some fabulous homes and we dove in.
Arriving at Camp Matz was not really what I expected.  I am not really sure what I expected, but I had hoped to see Dorothee more.  But she was busy with what she had to do.  So Mark, Celia and I drove around Watertown looking for Kale, cucumbers, lemons, well, just go back to my last post and you will understand what I am talking about.  Celia and I munched on blueberries, cherries, humus, yeah, we got the good eating bug.  Six days of drinking pond scum will do that to you.  We got back to camp, made our beds and collapsed in bed.  I fell asleep with the lights on.  Those of you that know me well know I have to have my white noise, the room completely dark, and my two pillows under my head and one between my legs to fall asleep.  It was the last good night's sleep I got.
Monday I took a walk.  The last time I really got a chance to.  It drizzled.  Then it was off to get some breakfast.  More blueberries, more humus, found some healthy chips.  11am we began training with about 15 other volunteers.  Lots of singing.  Lots of songs I did not know too well.  Felt awkward.  Found out that I would not be in the same cabin with any of my family.  Was a bit disappointed.  Did some team building.  Did some sensitivity training.  Watched that FISH video.  The stomach became more knotted.  Did I make the right decision.  I knew my kids back home were having a great time.  I did not feel the same way.  By the time the commissioning service began that night, I had made a decision.  I had to give it all to God.  All of it. Catie washed my feet and prayed for me.  I let it go.  Yeah, well, at least for that moment.
Then we got our cabin assignments.  No friend for me.  I am a cabin parent and a support for the others.  Support.  Seems like that has been my job for a very long time.  I should be good at this by now.  I was a little disappointed, but secretly, relieved.  At least I won't be a failure with a friend.  The rest of the week I longed to have my own special friend.  Next time, hopefully.  But wait, one of our friends, the one that is paired with the 8th grade rookie.  Wheelchair.  Limited speech.  Check briefs every two hours at night.  No water in her face, she reacts badly when that happens.  Purreed food.  Can we do this, Lord?
Tuesday dawns bright.  Our friends arrive today.  As they arrive one by one, we greet them with an enthusiastic shout.  I watch as they get out of the cars.  Friends with varying ways of living.  They pair up with their companions.  Off to find their bunks, unpack, bring medications to nurses.  I stay and wait.  I am going to help this 8th grade girl.  I believe this is why I am here.  Together, certainly, we can learn from her.  But she does not come.  Lunch is served and still nothing.  We do crafts with other friends.  They bring me to tears the way they hug and love and play.  Always smiling.  Will never forget Celia chasing after her friend as he plays quickly.  Then I hear the news that our friend has finally arrived.  Yes.  I go to the cabin.  She is in the bathroom being hoisted to the toilet by something I will know very well in the next few days.  Several interns have things under control.  But we wait.  She is our friend.  We must be with her.  Once she is back in her chair we do.  We take her to dinner.  My 8th grade friend feeds her.  She will do that 12 more times this week.  Most of the time, her gaze is somewhere else, not on us.  We ask her if she wants more.  Yes.  She then says, "Go bathroom."  Oh boy.  Now what.  Interns please!  After another trial in the bathroom, it is decided that the lift we are using is not good for her arms, so a bed pan will be necessary.  (We actually tried to have her go to the bathroom in a shower wheelchair with a pan underneath, but that was a disaster, so we stuck with the bed pan.)  After patient instruction, we learned how to roll to change, roll to clean, roll to dress, roll to get the sling on.  So much rolling.  Then it was time for bed.  The first night, we heard how often she coughed.  We heard how others forgot to send her "babies"  We heard her scream.  For an hour.  Then coughing again.  I am not sure I even slept a wink.
The next day dawned bright, but I was despondent.  Three more nights?  It seemed like an eternity.  But then we had singing before meals.  I started to learn the songs.  And then the friends would pray.  That would prove to be the very favorite part of my day and the part that gave me the strength to go on.  Because even though all our friend could say was "Amen"  many did the same.  And those that did not, oh, those prayers were some of the sweetest I ever heard.  I could not understand 90 percent of them, but I know God did.  The Holy Spirit swirled around the room.
We went through Bible Study with the fabulous interns.  The first one was my own daughter!  Wow.  To watch your daughter lead a Bible Study is a humbling experience.  How little you did.  God did all the growing.  We just made sure the clothes were clean, the throw up was caught and the food was healthy.  And now she is sharing the Word.  The Holy Spirit blew everywhere.
Endless lifts into bed and out for changings.  Lots of walks around campus.  I got to know my 8th grade friend.  So impressed she gave up a week of Facebook, Ipads, cell phones and whatever to share the Good News with one who just does not seem to hear anything.  But she heard lots.
Took walks with other friends.  Hugged the friends in my cabin.  Comforted those that were woken by our coughing screaming friend.  Learned so much from our cabin interns.  Woke every two hours at night to check on our friend.  Grew to love the night quiet.  The sleep deprived interns that struggled to get out of bed.
Karoke one night was fun.  Hearing all those old songs.  Called the kids when I could which was not very often.  Broke down one night when the screaming got to be too much.  Was encouraged by others and kept going.  We became a real family.
Too soon Saturday came.  Did I say too soon?  Wasn't it Wednesday morning that I thought it would never come.  We said goodbye to our friends.  I wept.  I would miss them.  Then we had to say goodbye to the rest of our family.  I would miss them too.  I am changed, thank You Lord.  May I remember their prayers until I go back next summer.  I pray that I can.

For the last 6 days this has been my lunch and dinner.  Actually two of them for lunch and two for dinner. Looks like pond scum, right?  Actually, it tastes better.  It is juice.  Juice from kale leaves, cucumber, lemon, celery, spinach, ginger root, and green apples.  You could put green pepper in, but I opted out of it after the first day.  Why in the world would I do this?  Well, on July 1st, my dear husband, Mark, decided to go on a juice fast.  60 days.  Ever seen "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead?"  Same deal.  Mark's brother did it first.  60 days.  Lost over 70 pounds.  So Mark decided to try it.  We got him a juicer for Father's Day, and he started the 1st.

When our daughter, Celia, came back from the LCMS Youth Gathering, she saw the difference in weight in Mark.  He had lost about 15 pounds.  You could really see it in his face.  She decided to try it for six days. I thought, no way, she will never be able to do it.  She could not drink that stuff for six days.  Maybe it was me saying she could not do it, but she did it.  And now she is eating a lot better.  A lot.  I kept encouraging Mark, but I know the best way to encourage someone is to get into their shoes and live it with them.  So six days ago, on Saturday, I started the fast.  Sunday and Monday were awful.  Tuesday, I barely drank down the stuff.  I think I had a bad cucumber or something.  Wednesday was better, and today, well, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Only one more meal.  Losing weight, well, maybe four or five pounds, but that was not really why I did it.  I really wanted to experience what Mark is going through.  Walking through a grocery store while fasting, not easy.  Walking by fast food. Really hard.  But I know he can do it.  Over 50 pounds he has lost.  He is adding years to his life.  I praise Our Heavenly Father for helping him thus far. May it all stay off.  

Still July.

Never got any pictures posted from that concert in June at Concordia.  But there are some on the web somewhere.  Also on FB.  No worries.  Only grace.

A friend asked me something today.  Actually she asked it Monday and I just saw it today.  She is a young mom.  5 kids aged 8 and under.  I never had that many that young.  When my oldest was 8 I had 4.  When she turned 10 I was pregnant with twins.  Anyhow, this friend asked me if I could go back and do this stage different, what would it be?  Then she asked, what is your biggest struggle now?  First of all, I feel honored that anyone would care about what I think.  I guess I am in that stage now with three teenagers and they all think I am stupid.  Stupid hair.  Stupid clothes.  Sigh.  But, if I could go back to NY when my oldest was 8, well, I really do not want to go back there.  I was arrogant.  I thought I had it all together.  I thought I had so much to say to young moms.  Just do what I do and life will be great.  Stuck up.  I really do not like who I was then.  I guess I wish I could go back to that me and give me a kick in the rear.  Naw, not a kick in the rear.  I really should have given me a hug.  Because that is what I really needed.  A hug.  If I could go back to that stage right now, I would hug my kids.  I would hug my husband.  And I would love him better.  But I am so glad that I do not have to look back and wish.  Because God's grace covers it all.  He takes all our mistakes and makes them miracles.  He redeems the years of locusts.  Joel 2:25.
My biggest struggle now.  I believe it has been my biggest struggle since infancy.  Giving Him control over my life.  Putting God in the center.  The kids.  They will grow.  I have tried to come to terms with that.  After having my heart ripped out this fall when Dorothee left, I realized I have put too much of myself into these kids.  They will go away.  That is God's plan.  I need to spend more time at my Savior's feet and loving Him. I need to spend more time helping my husband and loving him.  Yes, when the kids were younger, they DEMANDED my time.  But I should have let others help me.  The older kids should have helped me more with the younger kids.  They did, but they could have done more.  But again, I am thinking back and I should not.  Grace.  Grace covers everything.  I set my eyes on the prize.  

Starting again

Well, it is now 2013 and again it is summer.  3 am on a Wednesday morning.  My youngest woke me up at 1 am and I have not been able to go back to sleep.  Been reading One Thousand Gifts and tried to think of things to be thankful for, but just ended up worrying.  I got up and wrote two letters and addressed three.  Been reading other peoples' blogs and was heartened by short posts with no pictures.  So this one is short with no pictures.